The Dawn of a New Phase

It's amazing what a difference a few weeks can make. It's been a whirlwind 6 weeks since I last posted and I have a lot to tell you. The hormones have definitely kicked in and I am feeling a lot more emotional that I did before. I even had a small meltdown at the airport coming back from San Francisco where by brother gave me a baby shower. The attendant at the gate wouldn't let me pre-board because she said I would be too slow getting on the plane (there was a quick turn around) and if I did she would have to put me at the back. My old victim tendencies kicked in and I cried the entire flight back with nothing to read or do because being in the last group to board there was no room to put my stuff near me. I knew it was completely irrational, but with elevated hormones, and feeling as big and uncomfortable as I did, I was completely entrenched. The good news is, as embarrassed as I was at the time, I didn't judge myself for what I was experiencing.

Although at this moment, I am only 29 1/2 weeks pregnant, I am clearly experiencing what a person pregnant with one baby feels in the last few weeks before labor. I feel huge and can't move very easily with tons of aches and pain. I haven't been sleeping more that a few hour a night for at least a month and almost never feel comfortable. Also a new situation has come up. It seems as though I most likely have a disorder that affects 1 out of 1000 pregnant women (although it's more likely with women carrying multiples) call Cholestasis of Pregnancy (or ICP). The main symptoms are extreme itching and fatigue. The liver is not able to handle the normal bile flow, so high levels of bile gets deposited into the blood stream. ICP is associated with an increased risk for infant stillbirth (intrauterine death of baby), premature labor, fetal distress, and hemorrhaging in both mother and child. The only real treatments are to try to reduce the acid biles in the blood stream with medication and to deliver as early as possible. I am still waiting on my blood test results to see how bad it is, but I do know the itching is horrible. It's not normal rash type itching. The itch is below the skin and is not relieved by scratching. It's worse at night but I also find I can at times be distracted enough to not feel it for a while. The good news is at the moment the babies seem to be fine. Because of this I am getting extra attention and am going in to the doctor several times a week for fetal monitoring. They are moving like crazy and growing just fine. At the last ultrasound Bella was 2 lbs 10oz and Jax was 2 lbs 8oz. Right on track and that was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have another full ultrasound on Monday, so I'll be able to get some good new picts then too. So the bottom line is as soon as the test results come back I will be put on medication and most likely will deliver the babies between 34 and 36 weeks. This condition coupled with Jax being breech pretty much guarantees that I will be delivering them via C-section. At this point I'm okay with that. I just want them to be safe and healthy.

There are moments that I feel like I'm going to go crazy and want to jump out of my skin. I wonder how I am going to be able to endure another 5 to 7 weeks of this. Then I realize this is an opportunity to really put to test all I have learned at USM. It is also an opportunity to ask for help in this area. I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. It could be anything from helping to motive me to do an ideal scene, to a trio and gestalting with my liver (or skin) or just distracting me with something fun. In the big scheme of things I know we are all going to be fine. I have complete faith and feel fully protected.

And if that wasn't enough, Spirit has even more in store for me. Last Thursday, I was informed I got laid off from my job (along with a whole bunch of other people). My last day of work is going to be June 26th. I am choosing to look at this as a blessing. I had planned on taking maternity leave shortly after this and will be able to receive Diasbility Insurance payments for at least the next 14 weeks and maybe longer. The only real downside is finding a job towards the end of the year after the babies are born. I, however, am interested and excited to see what Spirit has in store for me. I am assuming something bigger, better and more fulfilling. Again, I am choosing to see this as an opportunity.

Aside from the physical aspect, I am still feeling great. I am more and more in love with Jax and Bella every day. I can't wait to meet them. If it weren't for all the stuff I still have to get done in preparation for their arrival (and of course their health, growth and development) I would skip right to the end now! I had 4 (count em four) wonderful, amazing baby showers and felt so loved and supported throughout. I have not one shred or doubt or regret at the choices I've made. I love that you all have been on this journey with me from the beginning and hope you will continue to be with us in whatever way you want. In the next few weeks I will be setting up an account at a website called www.lotsahelpinghands.com. This is an opportunity for me to ask for the support I need and receive it in the way you are most comfortable with.

Thank you for all the support, warm wishes, love and light that has been sent my way. It has been truly felt and appreciated.

xoxo,
Kathryn

The human jungle gym!

My belly is officially a jungle gym. It is so strange and wonderful to feel them punch and kick and play. It seems like they really get going when I am still. As soon as I lay down to sleep, they think it's play time. I just assume that my movements lulls them to sleep and when I stop they wake up. Oh I hope that's not forwarning for the future. Hehe.

Well, I have decided to reveal the names I have chosen for the babies. Of course there is always a chance that they might change slightly, but I was tired of people hounding me (mostly family). So here goes. The girl is Bella Addison and the boy is Jaxon Eli but we'll call him Jax. So Bella and Jax it is.

At my last Ultrasound Bella seems to be in the lower position but breech and Jax was happily hanging out upside down toward my right side. I don't know how long before they lose the room to move and flip around and remain in their final position, but I hope it's a while. My doctors are fairly convinced I am going to need a c-section. They said if both babies are in the correct position and are somewhat equal in size than I can try for a natural delivery. At first I was really upset because initially even before I found out I was having twins, I wanted a home, water birth. Needless to say that is not going to happen this time. But I am holding that I can have a natural, medication and intervention free delivery, but I also truly want what is best for me and the babies. And that very well may be a c-section. Who knows.

I can't believe I still have another 3 to 3 1/2 months left. I keep having the urge to come home and slip out of the fat suit. Like it's something I can take off. As much as this is a magical and unbelievable experience it's not the easiest one I've ever experienced physically. I know it will be well worth it in the end.

Babies genders revealed!

I am definitely feeling better these days. Still tired a lot, but the morning sickness is SIGNIFICANTLY decreased. I think I'm growing inches daily! At least that's what it feels like.

Oh I forgot to mention I found out the sexes of the babies. It's a boy and a girl!!!!! Yea! Exactly what I wanted and hoped for. The girl is snuggled up inside of me so she's a little harder to see during the ultrasounds, but the boy seems to be located on the outer right side of my belly. I haven't really felt any kicking yet, but I do feel it when the boy stretches out and presses against the outer side of me. It's very strange and wonderful. I'm feeling more and more connected to them everyday.

I had my amniocentesis a few weeks ago and everything came out beautifully. They are both normal and healthy. Today I had my second trimester ultrasound and again everything looked good. The only concern my perientologist had was that the umbilical cord for my girl is attached to the edge of the placenta not the center. He said this could inhibit normal growth and would have to be watched carefully. But, he didn't seem too concerned.

I'm starting to get a handle on all the stuff I am going to need and angels everywhere are coming out of the woodwork and giving me furniture, clothes and advice (all welcomed). The nesting instinct is really coming on full force and my apartment is starting to come together too.

I am really missing all of you and wish we could be together again. I am so grateful for having the opportunity to read for the 2nd year class every month. Being in the energy field is such nourishment for us.

Love and light to everyone!

At Long Last

I feel like it's been ages since I last posted a note. Actually it has been. It's been a tough few months. Morning sickness and fatigue was and continues to be the ever present prevailing experience of my first and now second trimester. I continue to hold on to this ending soon. The good news is the only part of this experience that has been challenging has been the physical part. I feel great, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Despite the massive amounts of hormones swirling through my body, I haven't been experiencing any of the emotional roller coaster usually associated with pregnancy. No if only I could sneeze without holding my crotch so I don't tinkle a little. Speaking of sneezing, I caught a cold on Sunday, it's a pretty bad one too. Headache, chest congestion, sore throat, coughing. Yuck! I am supposed to go in for a procedure that checks for any defects or problems with the babies tomorrow (Amniocentesis), but I'm not sure it's such a good idea. Unfortunately with my health plan (Kaiser) it can be pretty difficult to get a hold of the doctor to find out if I should reschedule my appointment. I also have another appointment with my OB/Gyn on Thursday so I should have a more up to date picture of the babies. I have put one up from a few weeks ago of one of the babies. The other one seemed to be a little camera shy and we couldn't get a very good picture. I should be able to tell the sex of the babies very soon. I am also posting a picture of my big belly. Which I think looks huge for 15 weeks, but who knows.

I want to apologize for not staying in touch and not keeping everyone in the loop. After all, you are family. I just kept saying to myself, "as soon as I feel better, I will start reaching out." I know I am doing the best I can, but I miss you guys! Several people have been reaching out to me and although at times it takes me a while to get back to them I truly appreciate it. It makes me feel thought of and loved.

Although I know pretty soon I am going to need a lot of help, I have been thinking about what that really means. As I mentioned in my 2nd year project, what I really want for myself and my children is a community. I want all the diversity and experiences that comes from such a wonderful group of people that we are. For me it's less about asking for help and more about wanting to have my kids learn about and be exposed to things I couldn't possible know about myself. So as much as you would like to be involved, I would like to have you. On a practical note, as for help, I will start getting clearer at to what I need as time goes on. I am also excited to hear how people would like to be involved. I'm talking about everything: pre, birth and post. My mom has been fantastic too and a huge support for me. Despite being a very strong minded mother, she has exhibited a great deal of restraint and has been focusing on what I want not what she thinks I need. Wow. Big break through.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but I think I have expended my quota of energy for the day. Damn and I still have to go to work tonight. Sigh. I guess this is just practice. I promise I will write more often. I know most of you are not able to get notification of my blog posting directly, so I will send out an email letting you know when I post something. If you don't want this notification, please let me know and I will take you off the list. Or if you are not on my list and have stumbled on this blog accidentally or through someone else I can add you.

Love, love, love,
Kathryn

Second Ultrasound

I had my second Ultrasound on Wednesday and everything is still looking very good. Both babies are growing and have heartbeats. One is .8cm and the other is 1.08cm. See the picture on the right! I'm still feeling sick almost all the time, but I am managing it and living in the knowledge that it won't last forever.

I'm going to be at USM this weekend reading for the Second Year Class and am really looking forward to being in the energy field again. So many of you have expressed a desire to help and be supportive and I have no doubt that I will be taking you up on that very soon. Stay tuned as things progress. I love you and miss you.

xoxo,
Kathryn

My First Ultrasound

I went in for my first Ultrasound today and it was amazing. I am still in shock. It was amazing hearing the heartbeats...yes that is plural. Two sets of heartbeats. TWINS! I can't believe it. Initially I was afraid this would happen taking fertility medications, then I secretly hoped for it. Now I know it is exactly what is supposed to be happening. I feel so blessed and fully protected. I know this not only what is best for the little ones, but I know it is truly for the highest good of all concerned. I get to experience asking for support and receiving fully.


As for me, I started experiencing morning sickness (more like all day sickness) on January 1st. So far it's just mild nausea. Eating small frequent meals really seems to help. Oh and Lime Fruit Floes from Trader Joes really help too.


Thank you for your continued love, light, prayers, thoughts and blessings. I feel like it is the air that I breath.


More to come later...until then big kiss.