It's amazing what a difference a few weeks can make. It's been a whirlwind 6 weeks since I last posted and I have a lot to tell you. The hormones have definitely kicked in and I am feeling a lot more emotional that I did before. I even had a small meltdown at the airport coming back from San Francisco where by brother gave me a baby shower. The attendant at the gate wouldn't let me pre-board because she said I would be too slow getting on the plane (there was a quick turn around) and if I did she would have to put me at the back. My old victim tendencies kicked in and I cried the entire flight back with nothing to read or do because being in the last group to board there was no room to put my stuff near me. I knew it was completely irrational, but with elevated hormones, and feeling as big and uncomfortable as I did, I was completely entrenched. The good news is, as embarrassed as I was at the time, I didn't judge myself for what I was experiencing.
Although at this moment, I am only 29 1/2 weeks pregnant, I am clearly experiencing what a person pregnant with one baby feels in the last few weeks before labor. I feel huge and can't move very easily with tons of aches and pain. I haven't been sleeping more that a few hour a night for at least a month and almost never feel comfortable. Also a new situation has come up. It seems as though I most likely have a disorder that affects 1 out of 1000 pregnant women (although it's more likely with women carrying multiples) call Cholestasis of Pregnancy (or ICP). The main symptoms are extreme itching and fatigue. The liver is not able to handle the normal bile flow, so high levels of bile gets deposited into the blood stream. ICP is associated with an increased risk for infant stillbirth (intrauterine death of baby), premature labor, fetal distress, and hemorrhaging in both mother and child. The only real treatments are to try to reduce the acid biles in the blood stream with medication and to deliver as early as possible. I am still waiting on my blood test results to see how bad it is, but I do know the itching is horrible. It's not normal rash type itching. The itch is below the skin and is not relieved by scratching. It's worse at night but I also find I can at times be distracted enough to not feel it for a while. The good news is at the moment the babies seem to be fine. Because of this I am getting extra attention and am going in to the doctor several times a week for fetal monitoring. They are moving like crazy and growing just fine. At the last ultrasound Bella was 2 lbs 10oz and Jax was 2 lbs 8oz. Right on track and that was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have another full ultrasound on Monday, so I'll be able to get some good new picts then too. So the bottom line is as soon as the test results come back I will be put on medication and most likely will deliver the babies between 34 and 36 weeks. This condition coupled with Jax being breech pretty much guarantees that I will be delivering them via C-section. At this point I'm okay with that. I just want them to be safe and healthy.
There are moments that I feel like I'm going to go crazy and want to jump out of my skin. I wonder how I am going to be able to endure another 5 to 7 weeks of this. Then I realize this is an opportunity to really put to test all I have learned at USM. It is also an opportunity to ask for help in this area. I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. It could be anything from helping to motive me to do an ideal scene, to a trio and gestalting with my liver (or skin) or just distracting me with something fun. In the big scheme of things I know we are all going to be fine. I have complete faith and feel fully protected.
And if that wasn't enough, Spirit has even more in store for me. Last Thursday, I was informed I got laid off from my job (along with a whole bunch of other people). My last day of work is going to be June 26th. I am choosing to look at this as a blessing. I had planned on taking maternity leave shortly after this and will be able to receive Diasbility Insurance payments for at least the next 14 weeks and maybe longer. The only real downside is finding a job towards the end of the year after the babies are born. I, however, am interested and excited to see what Spirit has in store for me. I am assuming something bigger, better and more fulfilling. Again, I am choosing to see this as an opportunity.
Aside from the physical aspect, I am still feeling great. I am more and more in love with Jax and Bella every day. I can't wait to meet them. If it weren't for all the stuff I still have to get done in preparation for their arrival (and of course their health, growth and development) I would skip right to the end now! I had 4 (count em four) wonderful, amazing baby showers and felt so loved and supported throughout. I have not one shred or doubt or regret at the choices I've made. I love that you all have been on this journey with me from the beginning and hope you will continue to be with us in whatever way you want. In the next few weeks I will be setting up an account at a website called www.lotsahelpinghands.com. This is an opportunity for me to ask for the support I need and receive it in the way you are most comfortable with.
Thank you for all the support, warm wishes, love and light that has been sent my way. It has been truly felt and appreciated.
xoxo,
Kathryn
